by Allen J. Sheinman | September 14, 2012
The list

If you've ever had to make a toast at a testimonial, awards dinner or bar mitzvah, coming up with just the right words can be as difficult as trying to find a psychiatrist in August. But fear not -- The List has collected some snappy little sayings that can pep up the most tedious talk.

• Here's to the brilliant, warm, handsome…company that you keep.
• It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills off all of its students.
• Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
• Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is that the bartender cheated you.
• Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.
• There are three kinds of people in this world — those who can count and those who can't.
• How come "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
• If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
• I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
• Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
• A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
• The most undependable part of your car is the nut holding the wheel.
• A committee is a group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
• A conference is just an admission that you want other people to join you in your problems. (Will Rogers)
• It usually takes three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. (Mark Twain)

Source: Meetings & Conventions;, administered by Paul Dickson, author of Toasts: Over 1,500 of the Best Toasts, Sentiments, Blessings, and Graces (Walker and Co.; available at