In business and personal dealings,
verbal conflicts can arise. How to use words wisely? Following are
tips on verbal self-defense from Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D., author
of How to Disagree Without Being Disagreeable (John Wiley
& Sons).
Be detached. When we perceive a verbal attack,
our rational thought process shuts off, and we tend to react with a
fight-or-flight response. To avoid such instinctive behavior,
pretend the offender is a toddler. Don’t be afraid, and understand
they’re not a threat to you. Detachment will keep your own anger
from taking over.
Consider gender. “Men have learned to use
hostile language as a sport,” says Elgin. “They throw stuff back
and forth like a tennis match, to score points. Women, by and
large, tend not to do that. Women cannot understand how men who
seem to abuse each other can then go off to lunch together. They
don’t understand it’s a game.”
Criticize carefully. If the argument stems from
misinformation, Elgin suggests saying “as you know” before setting
the record straight. “It saves them face, while costing you
nothing,” she says. And done politely, it can diffuse the
unpleasant situation.