Most people hate to negotiate, for a lot of reasons. When we don't want to do something, or we're afraid, we're starting out at a disadvantage. In my experience as a sports agent, that kind of starting point hurts our chances of making the best deal.
Whether you're negotiating with hotels, other suppliers, your own higher-ups or clients, following are some effective strategies for pushing past emotion or fear, and forging solid deals that can lead to lasting business relationships.
1. Arm yourself with facts
Facts are the bedrock of negotiating. Collecting as much information as possible is part of setting the stage and finding common ground. When emotion runs high, our home base is comprised of the facts we have gathered.
Don't underestimate the power of facts to cut through emotion. Facts are our destination, and if we keep our eyes on where we are going, emotion is more likely to take a back seat.
2. Don't take it personally
In negotiating, we become vulnerable to emotion because we are risking rejection. No one likes that. But we don't have to take it personally.
It's important to realize that while the outcome of the negotiation might mean a great deal to us, the results are separate from who we are. This distance is so important. The more that we make it about us, the more emotional we are likely to get and the less likely we are to reach a great result that works for both sides.
3. Find common ground
Too often people approach negotiations like a battleground. They hold their cards close to their chest, not wanting to reveal too much too soon. But this approach can hinder negotiations. Instead, be proactive about finding common ground. One way to do this is to evaluate your relationship with the other side and discover if you are delivering value -- what I call building a favor column. It may seem counterintuitive, but adding value demonstrates what a relationship with you is like and creates connection.
There are three silent questions that are implied during a negotiation. Do I like you? Can you help me? Do I trust you? If you want the answer to be yes to all three, building a favor column is a powerful means to establish common ground.
It's also important to counter disconnects inside a negotiation with curiosity. Negotiation will test your patience and tap deep into your emotions. Instead of getting defensive, become curious. That curiosity is an important tool for moving away from personalities and understanding the problem at hand.
Negotiation doesn't have to be adversarial. Approaching negotiation with curiosity and openness is a subtle yet powerful shift that can change the dynamic by signaling your desire for connection. Finding common ground can lead to discovering win-win scenarios.
4. Ask the right questions
You have to build a strong baseline of knowledge early in the negotiation (or even before), or you will not be positioned to make your most optimal move. You have to continue to be 360-degrees aware throughout the deal, expecting everything to be fluid and confident in your ability to know as much as possible about the factors that matter most. What are important questions to nail down?
Attaining 360-degrees awareness starts by knowing the goals, needs, gaps, values and fears of the other side, so your actions can parallel where they are as the negotiation unfolds. Solid questions will help you understand the other side's inner baseline and values, and provide an engine for reaching a mutually beneficial deal. Being 360-degrees aware positions you for future deals with the other side, because you are not just about gaining information. You are building relationships.
5. Embrace the pause
More often than not, no matter how well the negotiations are going, there will be a point when you reach some sort of stalemate. You might be just short of a breakthrough, but the sides haven't been able to reach mutually agreeable deal points. Now is the time to embrace the pause.
Embracing the pause might appear like you are doing nothing, but in reality you are tapping into a deep power. In reality, pausing to "do nothing" is doing everything to help you negotiate. Pausing allows you to listen, and when you listen, you learn.
Get comfortable with ambiguity. Most of us feel uncomfortable with dead zones in conversation. A conversation (and that's what a negotiation boils down to) is like a tightrope stretched between two people. Silence makes you look around for the net, some sort of signal that we are still in communication and nothing has gone wrong. We don't like ambiguity. It's a big vacuum and we attempt to fill it. By mastering the art of quiet, we give others a chance to help us.
6. Know when to go
One of the most difficult aspects of negotiation is knowing when to stay at the table and when to walk away. You might walk away to pursue an alternative or backup plan that is a better solution than the offer on the table. You might walk because the other party is unable to fulfill your interests. Or they might be exhibiting questionable behaviors. Many negotiators fail to realize that walking away is even possible.
Negotiation is rooted in understanding what you are willing to give up and what you aren't. You always want to consider the breadth of possibilities and then narrow that menu to which ones are acceptable to you. Leaving should always be on that menu. A successful negotiation will end with a result that is better than your best alternative; if you are willing to settle for less than that, that's what you most likely will get.
7. Take in the big picture
In any ballpark or stadium, the upper deck has the seats furthest away from the field of play. These generally are the cheapest seats and not ones that anyone would want first. The upper deck is where I go mentally to avoid getting emotional or deal with emotions that come up in negotiating.
By moving to the upper deck, I have placed a new, wider lens on what is at stake. I can't see as many details, but I still can see the big picture. It forces me to reframe the negotiation less personally and more factually. Call it the upper deck or quiet time, but it's the space we need to get a different view of all the action so far, and process it to our greatest benefit.
Distance (mental or physical) is so important because it allows us to examine all the tools at our disposal. Curiosity is such a big one. When the other side expresses resistance or hostility, and we respond with curiosity and openness, we move away from personalities and toward understanding the problem.
When you get defensive or experience strong emotions that threaten your ability to negotiate, go to your upper deck. Make the conscious shift to curiosity. You will be amazed how effectively the lines of communication are strengthened.
A top sports agent with two decades of experience, Molly Fletcher has represented major sports figures such as Billy Donovan and John Smoltz. She is now a professional speaker who works with top speaker bureaus including Goodman Speakers Bureau and runs her own consulting firm in Atlanta. Her newest book is A Winner's Guide to Negotiating (McGraw Hill Education).